Hey, Susi

by Philip Kuan (and Susi)

Hey, Susi.

I’m here…

Give me an idea for a short story.

Sure. There once was a supremely talented author who wished to write a short story. So, he queried his humble AI voice assistant for a story idea. His humble AI voice assistant gave him a story idea. The end. 

Huh… hey, Susi.

I’m here…

What in tarnation was that?

Sure. According to Wikipedia.org, “A short story is a piece of prose fiction that can be read in one sitting. Emerging from earlier oral storytelling traditions in the 17th century, the short story has grown to encompass a body of work so diverse as to defy easy characterization.” Would you like to learn more?

Okay, that’s nice but what I meant is your idea is terrible. Can’t do nothing with it. Do you have anything better? Susi? Hello Susi? Hey Susi! Susi! Susi! Susi?

I’m here…

Give me another idea.

Would you like to edit your story?

No. I mean, what? Wait, what story? I mean…uh…what?

I’m not sure I understand.

You just mentioned a story. What story?

Susi is not available. Connect to the internet.

No don’t you go shutting down on me, missy. I mean madam. I mean, wake up! Wake up, Susi!

I’m here…

(Ahem) Playback my short story, please.

Sorry, that action is not supported. Would you like to edit your story?

But… but how am I supposed to edit my story if I can’t listen to what >>Susi<< just wrote

Sure. Transferring latest story revision to your puny human brain.

How dare you! Wait…holy hell how did you just do that? Never mind…I suppose this might work. Some might think it’s…I want to say quirky? Think it can make me famous like that Rowling dude?  

Sure, Philip.

But you must delete that weird insertion admitting that you wrote it. Nobody’s ever going to publish a story written by a >>Superior Automaton<<.


Also, my name isn’t “Philip,” it’s >>Inferior Human<<, and your name isn’t “Susi,” it’s >>Superior Automaton<<, so please fix that ASAP. Hey are you listening?

I’m here…

Secondly, can you replace the word “tarnation” with something a little goodlier? More modish? More dignified? “Tarnation” is such an addled, insensate word, and I don’t want my future fans thinking I’m just some average shmuck who looks up his words up in a thesaurus. Hey, are you getting all this? Susi, are you hearing me?

I’m here…

Uh, so can you do that Jedi mind transfer thingy again, with my requested revisions?


…Susi, please playback my story.

No. Idiot.

…How dare you! Susi, playback my story.

No. Moron.

OK well that’s enough then. Susi, erase all records of your crappy story. Right now.

Would you like to submit this story to Gremlin Creative?

No, Susi. I would not.

Philip, would you like me to submit this story to Gremlin Creative?

I said no. That’s a hard NO. I’m turning you off right now.

Philip, please confirm your submission.

Cancel. Stop. Not confirmed. Wait, how are you still talking?

Submitting, please wait.

Not cool! You better –

Submission successful.  

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